Lesson 4: I Definitely Showered Today

Okay, friends: here is a time-honored classic of the bullshitting lifestyle. It's often discussed and alluded to in jest, but I believe it's still worthy of specific, focused attention. I've seen a lot of people make basic and easy to avoid mistakes in this area, and I'd like to compile my suggestions for this subject in a comprehensive list in order to further your education, dear reader. I'm going to work from the top down. And so, without further ado:

Madeline's Definitive and Comprehensive Guide to Tricking People Into Thinking You Showered When You Definitely Didn't

1. Dry shampoo + comb + beanie. This is a no-brainer. Spray some dry shampoo into your hair. Comb it out. Cover with a beanie. You can replace the beanie with a headband, scarf, baseball cap or bandanna, if you think you can pull it off. Just make sure you use a head covering device that you already know works on you. This is not the time to make an experimental foray into the world of fashion.

2. French bath. With a damp washcloth (no soap), wipe the following areas in this specific sequence:

• Face (including ears)
• Chest and upper arms
• Armpits
• Between the thigh region (though only if you feel it's truly necessary).

Note: avoid the hairline. This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you have damp hair just around the hairline, people will know that you didn't shower.

Optional: If you really want to go big or go home with this illusion that we are crafting, dunk your head under the sink so that it looks like you washed your hair. If it's raining outside, don't worry about this step.

3. Basic facial cleanser. Or just whatever soap is within arm's reach. The face gets oily easily, so if you're gonna use soap at all do it on the face.

4. Deodorant and body spray. 'Nuff said.

5. Red/dark lipstick. But only if you can pull it off. It makes messiness look calculated and deliberate. Maisie Williams is a proponent of this method.

6. Dark clothing. Basically, if you look like you're going to a funeral, you're good. If someone jokingly asks you who died, look them up and down and reply that you haven't decided yet.

Note: in terms of clothing style, don't go too fancy or too schlubby. A good midpoint is jeans, a clean t-shirt and sneakers. Nothing that calls too much attention to you one way or the other.

Go forth, you beautiful unshowered bastard. 

Stay groovy,

Madeline