Lesson 3: Achieving Material and Spiritual Success Through Bullshit

I once stole three whole, raw zucchinis from right under the nose of a dining hall employee. I once snuck into the regional headquarters office at Macy's on a personal errand. On another occasion, I genuinely convinced a bunch of Australians I'd never met before that in America, children are taught that Santa's sleigh is pulled by bald eagles. I carried a wooden katana on my shoulder on the DC metro and avoided both irritating questions and being arrested. How did I accomplish all of these things? You guessed it: bullshitting.

I'm going to teach you how to get away with literally anything. The tools that I bequeath to you will unlock all kinds of literal and metaphorical doors. The sky is the limit, my friends. Take my hand and I will lead you into a shining world of beautiful bullshit. I will be your blonde, female Ferris Bueller.

Madeline's Guide to Getting Away with Literally Anything:

1. Act like God Himself told you to do whatever you're doing. Learn to feel as comfortable in an office building, restaurant or grocery store as you do in your own bedroom (if you don't feel comfortable in your own bedroom, I can't help you). You know those house cats who fall off of the fridge and act like they meant to do it? Channel that energy and you'll be golden. 

2. If you look like you belong somewhere, most people won't question it. A common mistake that amateur bullshitters make when they embark on sketchy errands is assuming that everyone around them is on high alert. They're really not. As a random and absolutely hypothetical example, most dining hall employees aren't actively scouting the area for people stuffing ceramic mugs into a backpack. It doesn't fit into the world view they are accustomed to and expecting, which actually makes it more unlikely that they will notice and do something about it. #psychology 

3. Always be prepared. This extends both to practical tools that are helpful to have on your person (hairpins, string, tape, gum, condoms, cash, pocket knife/switchblade, etc.) and excuses. "I was looking for the bathroom" is a time-honored classic.

4. Use your natural gifts. If you're a charismatic person with a lot of natural charm, use it-- but don't be afraid to dabble in other stereotypes that will help you get what you want. Personally, I tend to revert to "cute albeit clueless blonde" or "charming whore" when I'm trying to get away with something. Occasionally, "bumbling but well meaning idiot" is the right way to go. I've even used "curious and sensitive intellectual" effectively. It really depends on your ability to gauge the situation and the person that you're trying to bullshit. A mediocre excuse becomes credible when paired with the correct persona and tone.

5. Eye contact: dos and don'ts. DO: make friendly eye contact with somebody if it occurs naturally. This avoids suspicion. DON'T: actively seek out eye contact. This will arouse suspicion and get you noticed really quickly. Hitting a happy medium here is essential.

Above all-- act like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. 

Stay groovy,

Madeline