1. Dry shampoo. Didn't have time to shower between your 8am class and 9am job interview? Dry shampoo will help you fool people into believing you did!
2. Hot glue gun. This beautiful little sucker isn't just for crafty moms and eccentric etsy shop owners anymore. Your only fancy shoes are falling apart because you bought them at a thrift store for $7 five years ago? Slap some hot glue on those bitches! Found an awesome stool on the side of the road, but it has a crack on the side? Apply hot glue and bask in the the newest addition to your living room set! The lining of your backpack is ripped and you can't afford a new one because you spent all your money on Twizzlers at 3am? Go get the hot glue gun, you glorious bastard!
3. Some bitchin' sunglasses. Hungover? Fucked up your eyeliner? Have bags under your eyes that could hold enough groceries for a family of five? Cover up your ocular area with some sick aviators and watch your cool factor go up about 5000 points in two seconds. I've found decent aviators for as cheap as $5 at Forever 21, so you really can't go wrong here.
4. Red/dark lipstick. This ties into the whole "I definitely showered today" illusion. Slap a little red lipstick on and it looks like you actually took the time to do your makeup. Somehow, it even gives messy hair a calculated, carefree sophistication. (Men, try this one at your own risk).
5. Mint flavored gum/tic tacs. You brushed your teeth this morning, but seven hours and two meals later you're struggling. Boom! Instant hygiene.
6. An online thesaurus. If you write papers on Word, you've already got one of these. Go from "Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" to "Mitochondria, the central core of all life on earth, is the genesis of all cellular energy." Even if you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, you too can sound smarter!
7. White-out. Enough said.
8. Concealer. White-out for faces.
9. Black clothing. I've touched on this before, but the number one way to hide stains, disguise the residual effects of insomnia, and generally look like you didn't just roll out of bed and throw on random clothes is to wear black.
10. A portable calendar. All of these words are key: A (as in only one) PORTABLE (as in not huge and impractical) CALENDAR (as in not a napkin, notebook, or your arm). I use the calendar app on my iPhone. Write everything down: deadlines, meetings, classes, etc.-- WHEN YOU FIRST LEARN OF THEM. Check the damn thing every day.
11. Water bottle. Aside from water being good for you, people who bring water bottles everywhere just LOOK like they have their shit together, whether they actually do or not. Here we touch upon another iconic quote from, uh, me:
12. A book with a pretentious title. When you're out and about, it helps to have reading material which will make you appear smarter to the random observer. You don't have to actually read it. Just hold it in front of your face and nap on public transportation.
13. A serious-looking phone case. No one will take you seriously if your phone is plastered with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Go for one with an unassuming pattern, solid color, or inspirational quote. It's easier to fake high-power business phone calls in public this way.
14. At least five different wake-up alarms. I have four on my phone, in addition to an obnoxiously loud beeping alarm clock that I hide in a different place in my bedroom every night.
15. Exercise clothes, even if you don't work out. If you sleep in athletic shorts and a Nike tank top, everyone at your morning classes will assume that you're sweaty and out of breath because you spent your morning working out-- not because you woke up at 7:55 and bolted across campus in your pajamas.
Above all, remember that the key to success is cultivating the illusion of having your shit together.
Stay groovy,
Madeline
"Hydration is success." --Madeline Murchie-Beyma, 2014
12. A book with a pretentious title. When you're out and about, it helps to have reading material which will make you appear smarter to the random observer. You don't have to actually read it. Just hold it in front of your face and nap on public transportation.
13. A serious-looking phone case. No one will take you seriously if your phone is plastered with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Go for one with an unassuming pattern, solid color, or inspirational quote. It's easier to fake high-power business phone calls in public this way.
14. At least five different wake-up alarms. I have four on my phone, in addition to an obnoxiously loud beeping alarm clock that I hide in a different place in my bedroom every night.
15. Exercise clothes, even if you don't work out. If you sleep in athletic shorts and a Nike tank top, everyone at your morning classes will assume that you're sweaty and out of breath because you spent your morning working out-- not because you woke up at 7:55 and bolted across campus in your pajamas.
Above all, remember that the key to success is cultivating the illusion of having your shit together.
Stay groovy,
Madeline
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