Saturday, May 12, 2018

Hell Is Empty and All the Broccoli Is Here

This essay was submitted to the Winesett Library Book Collection Essay Contest at Radford University in 2015. It won first prize ($750), and was the first submission written by a freshman to ever do so. The contest topic was "your personal book collection."


Calvin and Hobbes and The Complete Works of William Shakespeare have a lot in common.
When I was seven, the fact that they are from drastically different genres didn’t matter to me.
I consumed both voraciously. During car rides to children’s Shakespeare drama classes, I hopped
into Calvin’s cardboard box time machine and ran from dinosaurs and sadistic babysitters.
Once we arrived at class, I enthusiastically plunged into scenes from Hamlet and The Tempest
with my friends, becoming a king or a beggar or an expert swordsman. Both Shakespeare and
Watterson granted me entrance into a reality where I could freely explore anything I wanted to.
As a child, that was the best thing I could ask for. These two authors sparked my passion for
collecting any kind of book that gave me fodder for my imagination, and from the age of seven,
I brought home as many books as I could get my hands on.


The companions that lived on my childhood bookshelf ranged from A Series of Unfortunate
Events to Treasure Island and Romeo and Juliet. It never occurred to me that this was something
of an odd combination. Children overflow with endless questions about the workings of the
world, and in a reality that is controlled by adults who have already settled into their chosen
worldviews, anything that stimulates the imagination is welcome relief. It didn’t matter to me
what the source of that inspiration was; I couldn’t get enough of it. No one had yet told me how
I could and couldn’t be creative, and so I embraced literary classics and comic books alike. I
spent many long, sweet, solitary afternoons reading in my purple beanbag chair, while yellow
sunlight oozed from one end of my carpet to the other.


On those days, I joined Biruté Galdikas on her expeditions into the Indonesian jungle as I inhaled
her biography about orangutans and isolated indigenous tribes who lived deep in the heart of the
rainforest. I jumped into the antics of Junie B. Jones and her kindergarten classmates, although
I doubt my parents appreciated the practical jokes that they taught me. Jim Hawkins was my
imaginary friend. He accompanied me on trips to the dentist or to the grocery store and helped
me make them more interesting. When I was nine, I spent about six months in a semi-constant
haze because I was daydreaming almost nonstop about what it would be like to go to Hogwarts
School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (During the year I turned eleven, I was more than a little bit
crushed and rather offended when September rolled around and I didn’t get my letter from
Professor Dumbledore).


Once I started high school, those golden afternoons became more and more scarce. If I had time to
read for pleasure, I read “mature” books that I thought my peers would approve of. Gone were the
days of jungle adventures and magic. Why did I start discriminating against books based on their
supposed literary merit? Why do I feel like I have to apologize for reading stories that aren’t
considered Literature with a capital L? Paradoxically, I also feel silly and pretentious for genuinely
enjoying “serious” literary classics that everyone has heard of and reading them for pleasure. When
I was a kid, all that mattered was that a book gave me a glimpse of something out of the ordinary and
made me think. Why did that change?


Shakespeare wrote about things that everyone can relate to and made them more potent by highlighting
the humor, drama, tragedy, and intensity of those universal experiences. Bill Watterson did exactly the
same thing with Calvin and Hobbes. Both writers make their audiences think, smile, tear up, or laugh. It’s
that sense of belonging, of being a part of a greater human experience, that makes both Calvin and Hobbes
and Shakespeare equally worth reading. No one should let themselves miss out on that feeling because of
some preconceived notion about what is and isn’t intellectually valid. Calvin and Hobbes taught me the words
“anthropomorphize” and “psychokinetic.” Henry IV taught me three fun new ways to refer to male genitalia.
Life isn’t black and white, and neither is literature. I hope that I never stop reading the books that shaped
my childhood.


I’m still holding out hope for that Hogwarts letter, by the way.

Book list
These are a few books from my collection that are particularly meaningful to me.


Rowling, J.K. (2001). Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. London: Bloomsburg Children's.
For some reason, even though I had never read the books or watched the movies, I resented Harry Potter
greatly when I was little. (Probably because I resented most things that I perceived as popular. I could be
a very snooty child when I wanted to be.) I actually hid this book under my dresser because I didn’t want
to look at it. One day, my dad talked me into letting him read me a little bit of it at bedtime, and I’ve been
hooked ever since.


Watterson, B. (1988). The Essential Calvin and Hobbes. Kansas City, MO: Andrews and McMeel.
I started reading Calvin and Hobbes because I thought I wasn’t supposed to. I found it in my father’s
bookcase downstairs when I was about seven or eight. Growing up with Calvin and Hobbes taught me a
lot: vocabulary, ethics, history, drawing, and some really great pranks.


Juster, N. (1961) The Phantom Tollbooth. New York, NY: Random House.
My dad and I both adored this book as children. My best friend and I traced and drew the map from the
first few pages when we were eleven. We added our own province to the world of the book, inspired by
a formal logic class that she was taking at the time (and hated): “logicopolis.” That map that we drew is
still one of my most treasured possessions.


L’Engle, M. (1962) A Wrinkle in Time. New York, NY: Yearling, an imprint of Random House.
I read this book for the first time when I was about nine years old, and have read it many times since. I
was instantly fascinated by an approach to the universe that was both philosophical and scientific. That
book helped me answer a lot of moral and religious questions, and it’s still so precious to me that I
almost never go on trips without it.


Duane, D. (1983) So You Want to be a Wizard. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Books.
My mom bought me this book when I was ten, because we were going to Germany for a month and she
thought it would be nice to surprise me with something to read on the plane. I have always loved stories
about magic, and I adore this one more than most. I remember loving it when I was a kid because it was
magical but it wasn’t cutesy.


Lorenz, K. (1983) King Solomon’s Ring. New York, NY: Routledge Classics.
The number of pets I had at any given time was exceeded only by the number of books on my shelf. I fell
in love with many naturalists, including Lorenz. Honestly, I envied him. I certainly would have kept a crow
or a wild snake as a pet if I thought I could have gotten away with it.


Gallardo, E. (1993) Among the Orangutans: The Birute Galdikas Story. San Fransisco, CA:
Chronicle Books
From the age of six or seven, I wanted to be a field primatologist when I grew up. Orangutans were my
favorite of the great apes, largely because of this book (another one that I found during one the many
raids of my parent’s book collection). Birute Galdikas was one of my childhood heroes. I must have read
this book at least a dozen times before I was twelve.


Ibbostson, E. (2001) Journey to the River Sea. New York, NY: Puffin Books.
In accordance with my career goal as a child, I loved rainforests. This story about a ten-year-old girl who
moved to the Amazon to live with distant relatives was my favorite book for about five years. If I could
take only five books to a deserted rainforest island, this would be on the list.


Shakespeare, W. (2010) The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. New York, NY: Barnes and
Noble Publishers
No one ever told me that Shakespeare was too hard for me to read or perform when I was young, and
I am so incredibly grateful for that. My mother would read to me from A Midsummer Night’s Dream
or Much Ado About Nothing at bedtime, and she enrolled me in children’s Shakespeare classes (which
launched a lifelong love of theatre and the bard). Shakespeare’s language became second nature to me
at a young age, which has been a huge blessing as an actor.


Prattchet, T. (2003) The Wee Free Men. New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers

This is another one of those books that my entire family loves and bonds over. The predominant
characters are Scottish, and so it also tied into our heritage. We would listen to the book on tape
during road trips. The dry, witty jokes in this story became our own inside jokes. This book had a lot to
do with shaping the way that I think.

A Letter to Santa

A Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
We both know I haven’t been nice. I won’t lie.
(Treat people with decency? Who has the time?)
But though I was obviously not a good boy,
I still know I will get every single last toy.
I want to assure you—I really don’t care
If you give all the other kids old underwear.
As long as you spoil that one special guy
Who’s wearing my suit and my face and my tie.
‘Cause I’m the best human. I’m a quality dude.
Anybody who argues is stupid and rude.
Who told you I called women nasty and fat?
Shut your damn mouth! I never said that!
This Christmas I want some nuclear plans,
And a new pair of really big hands.
I want 30 strippers from the Caucasian race
And a huge island that’s shaped like my face.
I know I will get this, because I am the best.
There’s no need to put my promises to the test.
I am nice to me and so, since I’m all that matters,
I HAVE been good this year! I’m the top rung of the ladder!
If you don’t give me everything I wrote in this letter,
I’ll throw a huge tantrum. You should have known better.
My negative feelings are never my fault.
Don’t become a victim of my Twitter assault.
The other kids on your list can go straight to the dump.
Merry Christmas to me.

Love, Donald J. Trump.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Lesson 4: I Definitely Showered Today

Okay, friends: here is a time-honored classic of the bullshitting lifestyle. It's often discussed and alluded to in jest, but I believe it's still worthy of specific, focused attention. I've seen a lot of people make basic and easy to avoid mistakes in this area, and I'd like to compile my suggestions for this subject in a comprehensive list in order to further your education, dear reader. I'm going to work from the top down. And so, without further ado:


Madeline's Definitive and Comprehensive Guide to Tricking People Into Thinking You Showered When You Definitely Didn't


1. Dry shampoo + comb + beanie. This is a no-brainer. Spray some dry shampoo into your hair. Comb it out. Cover with a beanie. You can replace the beanie with a headband, scarf, baseball cap or bandanna, if you think you can pull it off. Just make sure you use a head covering device that you already know works on you. This is not the time to make an experimental foray into the world of fashion.

2. French bath. With a damp washcloth (no soap), wipe the following areas in this specific sequence:
  • Face (including ears)
  • Chest and upper arms
  • Armpits
  • Between the thigh region (though only if you feel it's truly necessary).
Note: avoid the hairline. This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you have damp hair just around the hairline, people will know that you didn't shower.

Optional: If you really want to go big or go home with this illusion that we are crafting, dunk your head under the sink so that it looks like you washed your hair. If it's raining outside, don't worry about this step.

3. Basic facial cleanser. Or just whatever soap is within arm's reach. The face gets oily easily, so if you're gonna use soap at all do it on the face.

4. Deodorant and body spray. 'Nuff said.

5. Red/dark lipstick. But only if you can pull it off. It makes messiness look calculated and deliberate. Maisie Williams is a proponent of this method.

6. Dark clothing. Basically, if you look like you're going to a funeral, you're good. If someone jokingly asks you who died, look them up and down and reply that you haven't decided yet.

Note: in terms of clothing style, don't go too fancy or too schlubby. A good midpoint is jeans, a clean t-shirt and sneakers. Nothing that calls too much attention to you one way or the other.


Go forth, you beautiful unshowered bastard. 

Stay groovy,
Madeline

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Lesson 3: Achieving Material and Spiritual Success Through Bullshit

I once stole three whole, raw zucchinis from right under the nose of a dining hall employee. I once snuck into the regional headquarters office at Macy's on a personal errand. On another occasion, I genuinely convinced a bunch of Australians I'd never met before that in America, children are taught that Santa's sleigh is pulled by bald eagles. I carried a wooden katana on my shoulder on the DC metro and avoided both irritating questions and being arrested. How did I accomplish all of these things? You guessed it: bullshitting.

I'm going to teach you how to get away with literally anything. The tools that I bequeath to you will unlock all kinds of literal and metaphorical doors. The sky is the limit, my friends. Take my hand and I will lead you into a shining world of beautiful bullshit. I will be your blonde, female Ferris Bueller.


Madeline's Guide to Getting Away with Literally Anything:


1. Act like God Himself told you to do whatever you're doing. Learn to feel as comfortable in an office building, restaurant or grocery store as you do in your own bedroom (if you don't feel comfortable in your own bedroom, I can't help you). You know those house cats who fall off of the fridge and act like they meant to do it? Channel that energy and you'll be golden. 

2. If you look like you belong somewhere, most people won't question it. A common mistake that amateur bullshitters make when they embark on sketchy errands is assuming that everyone around them is on high alert. They're really not. As a random and absolutely hypothetical example, most dining hall employees aren't actively scouting the area for people stuffing ceramic mugs into a backpack. It doesn't fit into the world view they are accustomed to and expecting, which actually makes it more unlikely that they will notice and do something about it. #psychology 

3. Always be prepared. This extends both to practical tools that are helpful to have on your person (hairpins, string, tape, gum, condoms, cash, pocket knife/switchblade, etc.) and excuses. "I was looking for the bathroom" is a time-honored classic.

4. Use your natural gifts. If you're a charismatic person with a lot of natural charm, use it-- but don't be afraid to dabble in other stereotypes that will help you get what you want. Personally, I tend to revert to "cute albeit clueless blonde" or "charming whore" when I'm trying to get away with something. Occasionally, "bumbling but well meaning idiot" is the right way to go. I've even used "curious and sensitive intellectual" effectively. It really depends on your ability to gauge the situation and the person that you're trying to bullshit. A mediocre excuse becomes credible when paired with the correct persona and tone.

5. Eye contact: dos and don'ts. DO: make friendly eye contact with somebody if it occurs naturally. This avoids suspicion. DON'T: actively seek out eye contact. This will arouse suspicion and get you noticed really quickly. Hitting a happy medium here is essential.

Above all-- act like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. 

Stay groovy,
Madeline

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Lesson 2: The Essential Bullshitting Home Toolkit

As with most areas of life, one of the keys to successfully bullshitting your way to a better life is having the right tools. Below is Madeline's Must-Have Bullshitting Home Toolkit:



1. Dry shampoo. Didn't have time to shower between your 8am class and 9am job interview? Dry shampoo will help you fool people into believing you did!


2. Hot glue gun. This beautiful little sucker isn't just for crafty moms and eccentric etsy shop owners anymore. Your only fancy shoes are falling apart because you bought them at a thrift store for $7 five years ago? Slap some hot glue on those bitches! Found an awesome stool on the side of the road, but it has a crack on the side? Apply hot glue and bask in the the newest addition to your living room set! The lining of your backpack is ripped and you can't afford a new one because you spent all your money on Twizzlers at 3am? Go get the hot glue gun, you glorious bastard!


3. Some bitchin' sunglasses. Hungover? Fucked up your eyeliner? Have bags under your eyes that could hold enough groceries for a family of five? Cover up your ocular area with some sick aviators and watch your cool factor go up about 5000 points in two seconds. I've found decent aviators for as cheap as $5 at Forever 21, so you really can't go wrong here.


4. Red/dark lipstick. This ties into the whole "I definitely showered today" illusion. Slap a little red lipstick on and it looks like you actually took the time to do your makeup. Somehow, it even gives messy hair a calculated, carefree sophistication. (Men, try this one at your own risk).


5. Mint flavored gum/tic tacs. You brushed your teeth this morning, but seven hours and two meals later you're struggling. Boom! Instant hygiene.


6. An online thesaurus. If you write papers on Word, you've already got one of these. Go from "Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" to "Mitochondria, the central core of all life on earth, is the genesis of all cellular energy." Even if you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, you too can sound smarter!


7. White-out. Enough said.


8. Concealer. White-out for faces.


9. Black clothing. I've touched on this before, but the number one way to hide stains, disguise the residual effects of insomnia, and generally look like you didn't just roll out of bed and throw on random clothes is to wear black.


10. A portable calendar. All of these words are key: A (as in only one) PORTABLE (as in not huge and impractical) CALENDAR (as in not a napkin, notebook, or your arm). I use the calendar app on my iPhone. Write everything down: deadlines, meetings, classes, etc.-- WHEN YOU FIRST LEARN OF THEM. Check the damn thing every day.


11. Water bottle. Aside from water being good for you, people who bring water bottles everywhere just LOOK like they have their shit together, whether they actually do or not. Here we touch upon another iconic quote from, uh, me:
"Hydration is success." --Madeline Murchie-Beyma, 2014

12.  A book with a pretentious title. When you're out and about, it helps to have reading material which will make you appear smarter to the random observer. You don't have to actually read it. Just hold it in front of your face and nap on public transportation.

 13. A serious-looking phone case. No one will take you seriously if your phone is plastered with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Go for one with an unassuming pattern, solid color, or inspirational quote. It's easier to fake high-power business phone calls in public this way.

14. At least five different wake-up alarms. I have four on my phone, in addition to an obnoxiously loud beeping alarm clock that I hide in a different place in my bedroom every night.

15. Exercise clothes, even if you don't work out. If you sleep in athletic shorts and a Nike tank top, everyone at your morning classes will assume that you're sweaty and out of breath because you spent your morning working out-- not because you woke up at 7:55 and bolted across campus in your pajamas.

Above all, remember that the key to success is cultivating the illusion of having your shit together.

Stay groovy,
Madeline

Friday, September 23, 2016

Lesson 1: Bullshit Through the Plague

It's that special time of year again: collegiate plague season.

No matter what year you are, the fourth or fifth week of college is when the hard, cold truth of living away from home begins to set in. It's not all fun and games anymore. You miss your dog. You've exhausted all of the dining options on campus and your diet consists of mainly ramen, tequila and oreos. Maybe your roommate has always had annoying habits, but now they are thrown into sharp relief. You're running out of money, and to make yourself feel better, you go on an online shopping spree-- which of course only plunges you further into the icy embrace of collegiate poverty. Your professors are piling on homework, there are more clothes in your hamper than in your closet, and to top it all off, you're sick.

Everyone you know is sick. You don't remember what healthy people look like. You see the world through a germ-induced haze. Your friends, your RA, your professors-- everyone is coughing and sneezing and irritable. The only good thing about it is that the one person who seems to live on every single residence hall floor that has really noisy sex at three in the morning is too sick to plunge themselves into the throes of extremely loud and irritating passion every single night.

Here at Radford, the plague tends to take us all out one department at a time. It usually originates in the College of Visual and Performing Arts because art students are all forced to spend large amounts of time together in close quarters due to the nature of our crafts. It then spreads all across campus.

Like capitalism, illness is nature's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. (Ron Swanson, 2010). You can either give up and spend the week reclining on a pile of used kleenex and fall behind in everything, or you can forcefully propel your pale, sickly body through class after class, assignments, work, and more classes. Sure, you'll probably die young-- but guess which option will help you get your degree?

I am writing this from my desk at work, and I have no idea what's going on. Everything in my range of vision had taken on a yellowish tint. My ears are 89% blocked up. I'm pretty sure my head is full of bees. There's like a 30% chance I will either vomit in the wastebasket or hallucinate doing so before the day is over.

But I'm here. How, you ask? Why? Dear God, why? Surely it would be better to be curled up at home with some tea. Well, yes-- and believe me, every inch of me is screaming to call in sick and do just that. But, in the immortal words of, well, myself:

"Mamma didn't raise no little bitch. She raised a big bitch who makes bad decisions." --Madeline Murchie-Beyma, 2015

A blindly stubborn commitment to personal excellence may cause me to die young. Hell, it definitely will. But that's never stopped me before. Here is Madeline's 10-Point Formula for Germ-Fueled Success™:


  1. Wear all black. No one will be able to tell that you haven't showered in three days if you look like the center of a black hole. This will also lead to being approached by fewer people, which is always a good thing.
  2. Buy a gallon of orange juice. Chug that fucker like a freshman at a frat party. It'll give you both calories and vitamin C-- both essential for bullshitting your way through any illness.
  3. Go to 7/11. Buy every cold medicine you can find. Create a chemical cocktail powerful enough to propel your zombie-like form through an entire weekday with minimal injuries.
  4. Prioritize your schedule. DO go to classes in your major, advisor meetings, and as much of your job as possible. DON'T go to the core class that has nothing to do with your major and no attendance policy whatsoever.
  5. Drink water. Don't be the idiot that stays sick all semester because they're too dumb to stay hydrated.
  6. Capitalize on rare moments of downtime. Netflix. Pajamas. Chicken soup. Napping. You know the drill. 
  7. Write shit down. No one can remember shit when they have a fever. I don't even remember the title of this article.
  8. Create a mantra. Repeat it under your breath during moments of weakness. My current favorite is: "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."
  9. Don't breathe near other people. This will both prevent you from spreading the illness and from contracting a new one.
  10. Be tough with yourself during those inevitable moments of weakness. I don't care that you just vomited. Are you going to get an A in Lighting Design or are you going to be a little bitch?

Stay groovy,
Madeline