Lesson 4: I Definitely Showered Today

Okay, friends: here is a time-honored classic of the bullshitting lifestyle. It's often discussed and alluded to in jest, but I believe it's still worthy of specific, focused attention. I've seen a lot of people make basic and easy to avoid mistakes in this area, and I'd like to compile my suggestions for this subject in a comprehensive list in order to further your education, dear reader. I'm going to work from the top down. And so, without further ado:

Madeline's Definitive and Comprehensive Guide to Tricking People Into Thinking You Showered When You Definitely Didn't

1. Dry shampoo + comb + beanie. This is a no-brainer. Spray some dry shampoo into your hair. Comb it out. Cover with a beanie. You can replace the beanie with a headband, scarf, baseball cap or bandanna, if you think you can pull it off. Just make sure you use a head covering device that you already know works on you. This is not the time to make an experimental foray into the world of fashion.

2. French bath. With a damp washcloth (no soap), wipe the following areas in this specific sequence:

• Face (including ears)
• Chest and upper arms
• Armpits
• Between the thigh region (though only if you feel it's truly necessary).

Note: avoid the hairline. This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you have damp hair just around the hairline, people will know that you didn't shower.

Optional: If you really want to go big or go home with this illusion that we are crafting, dunk your head under the sink so that it looks like you washed your hair. If it's raining outside, don't worry about this step.

3. Basic facial cleanser. Or just whatever soap is within arm's reach. The face gets oily easily, so if you're gonna use soap at all do it on the face.

4. Deodorant and body spray. 'Nuff said.

5. Red/dark lipstick. But only if you can pull it off. It makes messiness look calculated and deliberate. Maisie Williams is a proponent of this method.

6. Dark clothing. Basically, if you look like you're going to a funeral, you're good. If someone jokingly asks you who died, look them up and down and reply that you haven't decided yet.

Note: in terms of clothing style, don't go too fancy or too schlubby. A good midpoint is jeans, a clean t-shirt and sneakers. Nothing that calls too much attention to you one way or the other.

Go forth, you beautiful unshowered bastard. 

Stay groovy,

Madeline

Lesson 3: Achieving Material and Spiritual Success Through Bullshit

I once stole three whole, raw zucchinis from right under the nose of a dining hall employee. I once snuck into the regional headquarters office at Macy's on a personal errand. On another occasion, I genuinely convinced a bunch of Australians I'd never met before that in America, children are taught that Santa's sleigh is pulled by bald eagles. I carried a wooden katana on my shoulder on the DC metro and avoided both irritating questions and being arrested. How did I accomplish all of these things? You guessed it: bullshitting.

I'm going to teach you how to get away with literally anything. The tools that I bequeath to you will unlock all kinds of literal and metaphorical doors. The sky is the limit, my friends. Take my hand and I will lead you into a shining world of beautiful bullshit. I will be your blonde, female Ferris Bueller.

Madeline's Guide to Getting Away with Literally Anything:

1. Act like God Himself told you to do whatever you're doing. Learn to feel as comfortable in an office building, restaurant or grocery store as you do in your own bedroom (if you don't feel comfortable in your own bedroom, I can't help you). You know those house cats who fall off of the fridge and act like they meant to do it? Channel that energy and you'll be golden. 

2. If you look like you belong somewhere, most people won't question it. A common mistake that amateur bullshitters make when they embark on sketchy errands is assuming that everyone around them is on high alert. They're really not. As a random and absolutely hypothetical example, most dining hall employees aren't actively scouting the area for people stuffing ceramic mugs into a backpack. It doesn't fit into the world view they are accustomed to and expecting, which actually makes it more unlikely that they will notice and do something about it. #psychology 

3. Always be prepared. This extends both to practical tools that are helpful to have on your person (hairpins, string, tape, gum, condoms, cash, pocket knife/switchblade, etc.) and excuses. "I was looking for the bathroom" is a time-honored classic.

4. Use your natural gifts. If you're a charismatic person with a lot of natural charm, use it-- but don't be afraid to dabble in other stereotypes that will help you get what you want. Personally, I tend to revert to "cute albeit clueless blonde" or "charming whore" when I'm trying to get away with something. Occasionally, "bumbling but well meaning idiot" is the right way to go. I've even used "curious and sensitive intellectual" effectively. It really depends on your ability to gauge the situation and the person that you're trying to bullshit. A mediocre excuse becomes credible when paired with the correct persona and tone.

5. Eye contact: dos and don'ts. DO: make friendly eye contact with somebody if it occurs naturally. This avoids suspicion. DON'T: actively seek out eye contact. This will arouse suspicion and get you noticed really quickly. Hitting a happy medium here is essential.

Above all-- act like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. 

Stay groovy,

Madeline

Lesson 2: The Essential Bullshitting Home Toolkit

As with most areas of life, one of the keys to successfully bullshitting your way to a better life is having the right tools. Below is Madeline's Must-Have Bullshitting Home Toolkit:



1. Dry shampoo. Didn't have time to shower between your 8am class and 9am job interview? Dry shampoo will help you fool people into believing you did!

2. Hot glue gun. This beautiful little sucker isn't just for crafty moms and eccentric etsy shop owners anymore. Your only fancy shoes are falling apart because you bought them at a thrift store for $7 five years ago? Slap some hot glue on those bitches! Found an awesome stool on the side of the road, but it has a crack on the side? Apply hot glue and bask in the the newest addition to your living room set! The lining of your backpack is ripped and you can't afford a new one because you spent all your money on Twizzlers at 3am? Go get the hot glue gun, you glorious bastard!

3. Some bitchin' sunglasses. Hungover? Fucked up your eyeliner? Have bags under your eyes that could hold enough groceries for a family of five? Cover up your ocular area with some sick aviators and watch your cool factor go up about 5000 points in two seconds. I've found decent aviators for as cheap as $5 at Forever 21, so you really can't go wrong here.

4. Red/dark lipstick. This ties into the whole "I definitely showered today" illusion. Slap a little red lipstick on and it looks like you actually took the time to do your makeup. Somehow, it even gives messy hair a calculated, carefree sophistication. (Men, try this one at your own risk).

5. Mint flavored gum/tic tacs. You brushed your teeth this morning, but seven hours and two meals later you're struggling. Boom! Instant hygiene.

6. An online thesaurus. If you write papers on Word, you've already got one of these. Go from "Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" to "Mitochondria, the central core of all life on earth, is the genesis of all cellular energy." Even if you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, you too can sound smarter!

7. White-out. Enough said.

8. Concealer. White-out for faces.

9. Black clothing. I've touched on this before, but the number one way to hide stains, disguise the residual effects of insomnia, and generally look like you didn't just roll out of bed and throw on random clothes is to wear black.

10. A portable calendar. All of these words are key: A (as in only one) PORTABLE (as in not huge and impractical) CALENDAR (as in not a napkin, notebook, or your arm). I use the calendar app on my iPhone. Write everything down: deadlines, meetings, classes, etc.-- WHEN YOU FIRST LEARN OF THEM. Check the damn thing every day.

11. Water bottle. Aside from water being good for you, people who bring water bottles everywhere just LOOK like they have their shit together, whether they actually do or not. Here we touch upon another iconic quote from, uh, me:

"Hydration is success." --Madeline Murchie-Beyma, 2014

12.  A book with a pretentious title. When you're out and about, it helps to have reading material which will make you appear smarter to the random observer. You don't have to actually read it. Just hold it in front of your face and nap on public transportation.

 13. A serious-looking phone case. No one will take you seriously if your phone is plastered with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Go for one with an unassuming pattern, solid color, or inspirational quote. It's easier to fake high-power business phone calls in public this way.

14. At least five different wake-up alarms. I have four on my phone, in addition to an obnoxiously loud beeping alarm clock that I hide in a different place in my bedroom every night.

15. Exercise clothes, even if you don't work out. If you sleep in athletic shorts and a Nike tank top, everyone at your morning classes will assume that you're sweaty and out of breath because you spent your morning working out-- not because you woke up at 7:55 and bolted across campus in your pajamas.

Above all, remember that the key to success is cultivating the illusion of having your shit together.

Stay groovy,
Madeline

Lesson 1: Bullshit Through the Plague

It's that special time of year again: collegiate plague season.

No matter what year you are, the fourth or fifth week of college is when the hard, cold truth of living away from home begins to set in. It's not all fun and games anymore. You miss your dog. You've exhausted all of the dining options on campus and your diet consists of mainly ramen, tequila and oreos. Maybe your roommate has always had annoying habits, but now they are thrown into sharp relief. You're running out of money, and to make yourself feel better, you go on an online shopping spree-- which of course only plunges you further into the icy embrace of collegiate poverty. Your professors are piling on homework, there are more clothes in your hamper than in your closet, and to top it all off, you're sick.

Everyone you know is sick. You don't remember what healthy people look like. You see the world through a germ-induced haze. Your friends, your RA, your professors-- everyone is coughing and sneezing and irritable. The only good thing about it is that the one person who seems to live on every single residence hall floor that has really noisy sex at three in the morning is too sick to plunge themselves into the throes of extremely loud and irritating passion every single night.

Here at Radford, the plague tends to take us all out one department at a time. It usually originates in the College of Visual and Performing Arts because art students are all forced to spend large amounts of time together in close quarters due to the nature of our crafts. It then spreads all across campus.

Like capitalism, illness is nature's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. (Ron Swanson, 2010). You can either give up and spend the week reclining on a pile of used kleenex and fall behind in everything, or you can forcefully propel your pale, sickly body through class after class, assignments, work, and more classes. Sure, you'll probably die young-- but guess which option will help you get your degree?

I am writing this from my desk at work, and I have no idea what's going on. Everything in my range of vision had taken on a yellowish tint. My ears are 89% blocked up. I'm pretty sure my head is full of bees. There's like a 30% chance I will either vomit in the wastebasket or hallucinate doing so before the day is over.

But I'm here. How, you ask? Why? Dear God, why? Surely it would be better to be curled up at home with some tea. Well, yes-- and believe me, every inch of me is screaming to call in sick and do just that. But, in the immortal words of, well, myself:

"Mamma didn't raise no little bitch. She raised a big bitch who makes bad decisions." --Madeline Murchie-Beyma, 2015

A blindly stubborn commitment to personal excellence may cause me to die young. Hell, it definitely will. But that's never stopped me before. Here is Madeline's 10-Point Formula for Germ-Fueled Success™:

1. Wear all black. No one will be able to tell that you haven't showered in three days if you look like the center of a black hole. This will also lead to being approached by fewer people, which is always a good thing.
2. Buy a gallon of orange juice. Chug that fucker like a freshman at a frat party. It'll give you both calories and vitamin C-- both essential for bullshitting your way through any illness.
3. Go to 7/11. Buy every cold medicine you can find. Create a chemical cocktail powerful enough to propel your zombie-like form through an entire weekday with minimal injuries.
4. Prioritize your schedule. DO go to classes in your major, advisor meetings, and as much of your job as possible. DON'T go to the core class that has nothing to do with your major and no attendance policy whatsoever.
5. Drink water. Don't be the idiot that stays sick all semester because they're too dumb to stay hydrated.
6. Capitalize on rare moments of downtime. Netflix. Pajamas. Chicken soup. Napping. You know the drill. 
7. Write shit down. No one can remember shit when they have a fever. I don't even remember the title of this article.
8. Create a mantra. Repeat it under your breath during moments of weakness. My current favorite is: "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."
9. Don't breathe near other people. This will both prevent you from spreading the illness and from contracting a new one.
10. Be tough with yourself during those inevitable moments of weakness. I don't care that you just vomited. Are you going to get an A in Lighting Design or are you going to be a little bitch?

Stay groovy,

Madeline